Q & A About Child Birth

• Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
  A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all

• Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
  A: A misconception

• Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
  A: Have sex just once a year

• Q: What is a chastity belt ?
  A: A labor-saving device

• Q: When does a woman's biological clock start ticking ?
  A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet !"

• Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
  A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant

• Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex ?
  A: Childbirth

• Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
  A. No, 35 children is way too many already

• Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
  A: With any luck, right after he finishes college

• Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu ?
  A: If it's the flu, you'll get better

• Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory ?
  A: Most of the ladies I asked don't remember

• Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
  A: Yes, your bladder

• Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving ?
  A: Depends on what your doing with them

• Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why ?
  A: Cause you're fatter then they are,

• Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.
  A: So what's your question ?

• Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor ?
  A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman

• Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?
  A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him

• Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
  A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder

• Q: What are forceps ?
  A: Giant baby tweezers

• Q: What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman ?
  A: Brute force

• Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
  A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !

• Q: How long is the average woman in labor ?
  A: Whatever she says, divided by two

• Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right ?
  A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

• Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
  A: Right after you find out you're pregnant

• Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor ?
  A: Not unless the word "alimony" is a concern for you

• Q: I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
  A: Authorized hospital personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

• Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning ?
  A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you

• Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
  A: Yes, pregnancy

• Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids ?
  A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for

• Q: When should a baby not be circumcised ?
  A: When it's a girl.

• Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
  A: In your breasts

• Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
  A: Yes, baby lips

• Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
  A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse

• Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?
  A: When you see teeth marks

• Q: What is the grasp reflex ?
  A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

• Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing ?
  A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

• Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away ?
  A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare.

• Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
  A: Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly

• Q: What causes baby blues ?
  A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos

• Q: What is colic ?
  A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control

• Q: What are night terrors ?
  A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again

• Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they ?
  A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy

• Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
  A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves

• Q: What are the terrible twos ?
  A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey

• Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal ?
  A: Possibly when the kids are in college